Squaresoftian Pie
by Death on a Stick
Summary: A parody of American Pie but with FF chars. Please R&R! *Chapter 3 is Finally Up!*
1. Default Chapter

Squaresoftian Pie  
Rating: R  
Disclaimer: Wow do I have a big thing to disclaim. Yeah I don't own American Pie or Final Fantasy or any verbatim quotes that I take from either source.   
  
So yeah, maybe this is a stupid idea, but when you've got a massive case of writer's block and something pops into your head, no matter how stupid seeming, you go with it. If you'd like to flame me, please flame yourself first.  
  
SCENE 1  
  
As the scene opens we see Tidus laying on his bed pleasuring himself while looking at a hentai picture of Dr. Aki Ross.  
  
TIDUS (mimicking a woman's voice): Oh Tidus... you are the best!  
  
TIDUS (in his own voice): Yeah... I know.  
  
Suddenly, Jecht bursts in through the door. He sees what Tidus is doing.  
  
JECHT: Dammit, kid! All you do is sit home all day whacking and crying!  
  
TIDUS (suddenly in tears): I hate you.  
  
JECHT: Go ahead, cry you little cry baby!  
  
  
Jecht throws a blitzball at Tidus. Tidus continues wailing.  
  
The scene cuts to the main title.  
  
Scene 2  
  
Scene two opens to show Wakka and Tidus walking outside Balamb Garden.  
  
WAKKA: Your dad's nothing but a raving drunk, ya?  
  
TIDUS: Yeah Wak, I know. Hey do you think I should wear this shirt to the party tonight?  
  
WAKKA: Man, you've been wearing that weird yellow shirt and those shorts with the funky "J' for as long as I've known you. I think you should wear anything BUT them, eh?  
  
The scene cuts to Zell and Quistis riding in a car.  
  
ZELL: ...it's a thick envelope, Quisty, you got in.  
  
QUISTIS: If you think so, then just open it.  
  
ZELL (opens it): Quistis Trepe... bla bla bla... we hereby grant admission to the Treno school of foreplay.  
  
QUISITIS: YES! I love you!!!  
  
ZELL: ...right....  
  
The scene changes to show Tidus and Wakka approaching Vincent on a bench.  
  
TIDUS: Hey, Vince, did you finish that Al Bhed homework?  
  
VINCENT: Hu, Cydyh yht Pup Tuma duug so cuim yht cbyd uh ed frah E dneat du tu ed. Yhudran pintah fyc yttat du so cuim.  
  
Tidus and Wakka sit there, dumbfounded.  
  
VINCENT: It means, "No, Satan and Bob Dole took my soul and spat on it when I tried to do it. Another burden was added to my soul."   
  
TIDUS: Oh. How many burdens is that now?  
  
VINCENT: Seventeen billion five hundred seventy two million fifty thousand thirteen.  
  
At this time, Zell walks up.  
  
ZELL: Man, she told me she loves me.   
  
Tidus and Wakka are thrilled. Vincent maintains the same haunted look he always has. Suddenly, Cid Highwind runs up to them.  
  
CID: NOVA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Hey you comin' to my party tonight?  
  
WAKKA: Yeah we'll be there.  
  
Cid runs off. The scene cuts to Quistis and Tifa.  
  
TIFA: ... you're talking about a post-garden, long distance relationship and you haven't even used your whip on him! What do you expect him to drive to Treno for, milk and cookies?  
  
QUISTIS: I will whip him. I just want the perfect time and place.  
  
As the school day begins the scene fades.  
  
SCENE 3  
  
Scene three opens in the Balamb lunchroom. Vincent, Tidus, and Wakka are sitting at the table as Zell dances around going insane about the hot dogs.  
  
TIDUS: Hey guys, Yuna, that Besaid chick, might be at that party tonight. Do you think she'd prefer... *adjusts his hair* Whiny Boy Tidus? Or... *adjusts hair again* Weenie Boy Tidus?  
  
WAKKA: I don't think it matters, eh?  
  
ZELL: ...DOGS!! HOT DOGS!!!! HOT...  
  
TIDUS: Hey, don't get me mistaken, but I'm not the one with the girlfriend who's stuck on third base.  
  
They leave because the author doesn't feel like finishing that part of the scene.  
  
TIDUS: Hey guys, what's third base feel like?  
  
ZELL: Like a warm hotdog....  
  
They all look at Zell bizzarely.  
  
WAKKA: More like a...  
  
ZELL: ... cold hot dog?  
  
Again they look at Zell bizzarely.  
  
WAKKA: ...more like a.... box of chow mein, ya?  
  
TIDUS: That doesn't make any sense.  
  
WAKKA: Yeah, I know.  
  
VINCENT: Well guys, I must once again go in a mockery of life. I hope I die in a tragic car accident while shooting myself and slashing my wrists.  
  
As he starts his scooter, a car accident occurs down the block.  
  
VINCENT: DAMN YOU CRUEL FATE! TOYING WITH ME AGAIN!  
  
The scene ends.  
  
More coming soon! 


	2. The Second Chapter

Chapter 2: The One that Comes After Chapter 1  
  
Scene 4  
  
The scene opens to show a party at Cid's house. Cid is yelling obscenities at the guests.  
  
Tidus and Zell have been standing in the corner talking for a while.  
  
TIDUS: Oh my god! There's Yuna and she just looked at me!  
  
Yuna is talking with two of her friends and obviously hadn't looked at Tidus.  
  
Zell: Go talk to her, dumbass.  
  
Quistis comes up and whispers something to Zell. They both leave.  
  
Tidus walks towards Yuna slowly, trying to look cool. Instead, he trips over an ottoman.  
  
Yuna and her friends watch and laugh while Tidus crumples on the floor, crying and wetting himself.  
  
TIDUS (bawling): WAAA!!! DON'T LAUGH AT ME!!! WAAAA!!!  
  
The scene changes to show Wakka in a car with Yuffie.  
  
WAKKA: Wow, it sure is beautiful or something, ya?  
  
YUFFIE (suspiciously): What do you mean by that?  
  
WAKKA: Uhhh.... suck me beautiful?  
  
YUFFIE: YOU SICK BLITZBALL PERVERT! ALTHOUGH I APPEAR TO BE ONLY ABOUT 14 IN THE GAME FFVII I'M REALLY 12!!!  
  
WAKKA: I don't see how that would stop you....  
  
YUFFIE: Pervert! I'm taking you back to the party!  
  
The scene changes to show Zell and Quistis making out on a bed.  
  
ZELL: Quisty, I think it's time for us to take the next step in our relationship. It's such a perfect evening.  
  
SOMEONE OUTSIDE: THE HOT DOGS ARE HERE!!! HOT DOGS!!!  
  
ZELL: HOT DOGS?!?!?!?? HOT DOGS!!!!!  
  
Zell runs out of the room.  
  
Quistis: Dammit.  
  
Just then Cid bursts in with Shera.  
  
CID: Please vacate the room.  
  
Quistis leaves.  
  
CID: Shera, lets have sex.  
  
SHERA: OK.  
  
They get naked. "Sending a Dream Into the Universe" starts playing.  
  
CID: Oh yeah... this rocket's ready for blastoff.  
  
CID (in a voiceover like from a flashback): That day... all my dreams were going to come true. I was going to have sex.  
  
SHERA: Here, use this ShinRa #26 condom.  
  
CID (disappointed): Oh alright. Now... the rocket is going to launch into space.   
  
SHERA: Wait! The condom has a hole!  
  
CID: But we've already started!   
  
SHERA: It will only take me a moment to fix it!  
  
CID: But Shera! I'm going to lose it!  
  
CID (in a voiceover): What was she doing? She was destroying my dreams... I was counting down to losing my arousal... and once I lost it there'd be no getting it back.  
  
CID: 5....4....  
  
SHERA: I've almost done it...  
  
CID: 3.... 2...  
  
SHERA: Just a second longer...  
  
CID: DAMMIT SHERA!!!!!!! &*$^@!&@$^!@!  
  
The scene changes because the author feels it's starting to become too much FF7 and not enough American Pie.  
  
Cid, Tidus, and Zell are standing upstairs.  
  
CID:.... and that was that. My rocket will never fire. My dream....  
  
TIDUS: Hey at least you did better than I did with Yuna.  
  
CID: Like that helps.  
  
Cid leaves.  
  
ZELL: Dude, is that Highwind's mom?  
  
TIDUS: Wow look at the family resemblence!  
  
Zell looks at Tidus oddly.  
  
PALMER: Yeah... that chick's a MILF  
  
RUFUS: MILF! MILF!  
  
Squall Leonhart gestures from a room nearby for Tidus and Zell to come.  
  
SQUALL: Could you guys keep it down? I just met this chick and we're about to get it on.  
  
Zell and Tidus are surprised to see Rinoa on a bed.  
  
SQUALL: She's hot!  
  
Squall shuts the door.  
  
ZELL: Is Squall gets laid before I do... I'm gonna be pissed.  
  
TIDUS: What? Squall? The "Squallinator"?  
  
They laugh.  
  
The scene changes to Quistis and Tifa.  
  
QUISTIS: I swear... I was going to whip him... but the hot dogs....  
  
TIFA: You know... if Zell's not giving it to you... you could try it manually.  
  
QUISTIS: What?  
  
TIFA: You never double whipped your bitebug?  
  
AUTHOR: God these puns are bad.  
  
THe scene goes back to Zell and Tidus.  
  
ZELL: Man...those hot dogs were so good! I mean they were much better than getting whipped by Quistis!  
  
QUISTIS: Oh that's real nice. Tifa, can I get a ride home?  
  
Tifa and Quistis leave.  
  
Wakka enters.  
  
WAKKA: I'm just here to prevent an error in continuity in the next scene!  
  
The scene ends.  
  
SCENE 5  
  
As the scene begins, Wakka, Tidus, and Zell are waking up. Vincent is sitting in a chair in the corner.  
  
TIDUS: Vince, what happened to you? Where were you last night?  
  
VINCENT: I was shooting for a fashionably late enterance. Instead I wallowed in my own self loathing and fell asleep dreaming about killing you all. Another burden was added to my soul.  
  
TIDUS: Makes sense.  
  
They watch in surprise as Squall descends the stairs holding Rinoa's hand.  
  
SQUALL: I'll never forget this.  
  
RINOA: Oh I'll never forget it either. Bye.  
  
Rinoa leaves.  
  
SQUALL: Well fellas, say good bye to Squall Leonheart the boy. I am now a--  
  
ZELL: woman?  
  
SQUALL: No you stupid fuck! I am now a man!  
  
WAKKA: How did you do that, ya?  
  
SQUALL: Well guys, I really don't know. See ya.  
  
Squall leaves.  
  
ZELL: I say we make a pact! We all get whipped, I mean laid, before we graduate.  
  
TIDUS: OK!  
  
WAKKA: Sure.  
  
VINCENT: ....  
  
ZELL: WE'RE ALL GETTING LAID!!!  
  
The scene ends. 


	3. The Incredible Edible 3

Chapter 3: I finally Wrote More  
  
Scene 6  
  
Some song (Flagpole Sitta, Sending a Dream into the Universe, it doesn't  
really matter what song) plays. Tidus is shown giving Zell a phone book open to  
a caterers. Wakka is watching blitzball on TV. Vince sits in the schoolyard  
playing Russian Roulette with his pistol.  
  
The scene changes to show Zell and Quistis and her locker.  
  
ZELL: Did you get the hotdogs?  
  
The scene changes back to Vince. Tidus and Zell approach him.  
  
ZELL: You know, Vince, I don't think chicks go for this whole Russian Roulette  
thing.  
  
VINCE: I know. By the way, in the spirit of this pact, I need you to do  
something.  
  
ZELL: Sure.  
  
VINCE: All the good things you hear about me, I need you to deny them. Tell  
people that I'm a godless son of a bitch! Curse me and say I'm a dirty  
rotten bastard! A xenophobic suicidal ASSHOLE!!! AHHAHAHAHHAHAAAHAH!  
  
ZELL: O...k  
  
Vince leaves.  
  
Some girl who was nearby walks up to Tidus and Zell.  
  
GIRL: Was that Paul Vince? Is it true that he's equipped?  
  
ZELL (hesitantly): No! Vince is a dirty rotten bastard!  
  
GIRL: Oooh thanks! Girls love losers!  
  
She leaves  
  
TIDUS: Girls like losers? At least that finally explains why I'm not getting  
any dates!  
  
ZELL (to himself): ..no, Tidus, it only makes it more mystifying...   
  
Scene 7  
  
Zell and Tifa are walking down the hall.  
  
TIFA: I'm sure you'll get her back.  
  
ZELL: Really?  
  
TIFA: Yeah, she likes you. Do you like her more than hotdogs?  
  
ZELL: ...um... you can't really ask me that.  
  
TIFA: Well if you want her to whip you just tell her that. That's how I was  
duped.  
  
ZELL: By someone telling you they like you more than hotdogs?  
  
TIFA: Yeah.  
  
ZELL: Wow. But I don't want to dupe her.  
  
TIFA: Ok, what you got to do is give her what she's never had.  
  
ZELL: What's that?  
  
TIFA: I'll give you a hint.  
  
Tifa starts rolling around on the floor with loud orgasmic screams.  
  
Cid Highwind runs up, looks at Tifa oddly, and goes to Zell.  
  
CID: You gotta see this!  
  
They run off leaving Tifa writhing on the floor.  
  
Cid leads Zell into the magic room where Tidus is already seated. Wakka is up  
with a bunch of black mages, gesturing wildly to make spells happen and failing  
with each attempt, occasionally able to somehow conjure up fish.  
  
CID: What did you guys do to him?  
  
The teacher says a few words and class gets out. Wakka runs up to his friends.  
  
WAKKA: Hey guys, come to see me in action, ya?  
  
TIDUS: You looked like you were doing pretty good.  
  
CID: Yeah? I think you look like you need your balls reattached!  
  
WAKKA: Hey keep it down! Some of these black mages are hot!  
  
On the other side of the room, Lulu, Vivi, and Terra are talking.  
  
VIVI: What's he doing joining Black Magic so late?  
  
TERRA: Maybe he's preparing for another year at Balamb Garden?  
  
Terra and Vivi laugh.  
  
LULU: Hey, he looks like an asshole to me. But we don't really know him.  
  
She looks at Wakka, who waves stupidly.  
  
TIDUS: Let's go. 


End file.
